Sunday, August 31, 2008

obsession

obsession.. ( [noun] the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.).. what crosses our minds when we think of that word?.. a few years ago it was the scariest word to me.. esp when i watched movies like Fatal Attraction and Basic Instinct to name a few.. characters like Alex i thought only exsisted on the big screen.. i even remember my reaction after seeing that movie.. i thought she was crazy.. insane.. a madwoman.. why couldnt she just get over it?.. and see it for what it was?.. a casual fling?.. what makes these women put themselves in that predicament in the first place?.. she knew he was married from the start.. how could she expect it to go further?.. and more so.. how could she expect the guy to be forced into a relationship?.. how can she be with someone that has been forced?.. i could never understand it..

its so funny how a personal experience can change your whole perception of how you view certain things you despised in the past.. and it almost makes you go crazy yourself when you compare .. thinking OMG how can it be?.. how did i get sucked into a pathetic loveless one-way situation?.. i MUST be going friggen nuts.. thing is.. it shocked me more than anything.. i spent hours thinking about how things came about and at which point i slipped.. the more i tried to find reason the more it dominated my thoughts.. so what i thought was doing me good was actually tearing me apart and driving me in deeper.. it felt vice like.. unescapable.. totally and utterly gripping me and never letting go...

i guess for me i was at a very vulnerable period in my life... that falling so hard was a combination of alot of factors.. self-detoxing off a VERY high dose of methadone that took months to stabilise.. and being the hopeless romantic that i am.. was forever craving intimacy.. a bold career move of quitting work and working from home didnt help.. and in some small way possibly for the learning and experience .. some people are very keen on picking up on others weaknesses.. we may even attract them towards us subconsciously ourselves.. even when we are not aware we have any to begin with.. and everything presumably for us starts to fall into place.. a kind word.. sharing a laugh.. deep flirting.. compliments.. being helpful.. sweet.. really starts to stirs us inside.. we feel drawn.. suddenly perked up.. alive.. and the feeling begins to grow.. without us keeping count and becoming aware of the precise moment.. it just happens..

alot of you outsiders to this would probably be thinking.. bullshit.. things dont just happen.. but i can assure you they do.. and not just in love and sex.. no.. it happens everywhere.. finanaces.. family.. job.. drugs and alcohol.. think of what the homeless.. the drug addict.. the divorcees all went thru before succumbing.. im sure they thought they had it all.. everything was rosy.. happy.. they had everything going for them.. then slowly.. bit by bit.. they started slipping.. totally unaware that their lives were about to fall apart around them.. i will give family/job as an example for instance.. a man unhappy in his job.. is pressurized at every turn.. deadlines.. responsibilities.. a mean cranky boss.. so he comes home.. drinks himself into oblivion every night.. or stays out late at the pub with his mates... his wife tries talking to him and he just doesnt wanna know.. his kids demand his attention.. but he is so stressed out he cant cope.. then everyday is a repeat.. eventually he is so worn out.. that his self esteem is shot to pieces.. his wife cant take it anymore.. and takes the kids and leaves.. his taking more and more sick leave from work because of his inability to cope.. and gets fired or has to leave because of medical reasons... his pending divorce.. is dragging him thru the cleaners.. causing him more and more stress.. he tries to numb the pain by drinking more.. and soon after.. the bank seizes his house.. and he is left wondering where it all went wrong?.. perhaps next time you see a homeless man sifting thru the garbage.. instead of standing there looking down at him and judging him.. try picturing him in a white collar and tie..

vulnerability.. thats the keyword here... we all get that way at some point in our lives.. no matter what the situation.. its ugly.. and can make us feel and do things we dont normally do.. but its all part and parcel of it.. one feeds the other.. self respect lies dormant.. when we are vulnerable.. and the slightest feel good is like honey.. we crave to feel again and it can make us fall into the most pathetic instances..

falling in love with the wrong person is one of them.. my experience of obsession was shocking.. depressing.. annihilating.. but at the same time in some twisted weird way.. also exciting.. perhaps because ive never been in an obsessive love situation ever in my life before.. it was all new to me.. every bit of it.. from the meeting to the flirting to the build up.. to the falling.. to riding the crest of the (imaginary) wave then finally to the crash.. obsession would literally eat me away.. i became consumed with thoughts of him.. constantly fantasising.. writing love letters i failed to send.. poems.. looking at guys that reminded me of him and thinking it was him.. following him everywhere.. picking up the phone to call and not being able to even dial the number.. but imagining i was.. and being ashamed about it all that i kept it to myself.. but it rises like a pressure cooker.. you can only keep it inside for a certain length of time.. then it just explodes.. my feelings for him in this way was to last more than a whole year.. off and on... during the off periods things would be great.. my life seemed to be getting back to some normalacy.. i dated other guys.. socialised with friends.. immersed myself with work.. but the spark never truly went out.. it still festered in the back of my mind.. and there was usually something around to remind me of him... which set me off again like a time bomb.. and the more times i allowed myself to succumb again.. the deeper my feelings would go since the last time.. which only made me think.. hey this really is something here.. why try to fight it?.. comon girl.. you know you love him.. MY GOD the endless battles i endured with that dreaded vulnerable voice in my brain.. it was torture on some days.. a mixture of love.. hate.. and eternal squabbling..

you do the craziest things when obsessed.. and i wasnt any different.. not content to have him out of my life after a massive fall out.. i was determined to keep him in it.. with subtle hints here and there of kind words.. a bit of humour.. and so many apologies.. and kept this up for a few months.. geez.. looking back at it now it all seemed so desperate and sad.. i mean.. how low could i go?.. the guy obviously doesnt have ANY feelings for me whatsoever.. gone were the days of our flirtatious ways.. the fun times.. our friendship had even turned nasty.. anyone in the right frame of mind would of said.. hey fuck you jerk.. who the fuck do you think you are?.. fuck off.. maybe the real me.. the me of 2 years ago would of said that.. and the words were there.. but somehow became stuck inside.. and were replaced with sorrys.. dont wanna lose you.. please.. thank you.. wow.. its almost as if i was saying .. hey.. kick me again asshole.. i deserve it.. and enjoy it cant you tell?..

hearing me say these words now is taking me back to a very lonely period of my life.. of being felt like i was a mistake.. a disposable pawn.. that my use was no longer required... he already had fulfilled his purpose.. but i can also identify they were the feelings i was manifesting for myself too.. because of my situation.. attracting back what i was projecting forth.. we can only take responsibilities for our own actions.. but also be aware the actions of others.. however.. we cannot control theirs.. just try to understand them.. and their reasons behind what they do..

its taken me endless tears.. sleepless nights.. countless diary entries.. and self-talk to finally see and pick myself up again.. lifes experiences sure teach you to be cautious.. and forces you to identify the weaknesses.. and act differently.. and time becomes your best friend.. time to heal.. think.. decide.. and to love yourself again.. we all can slip.. God knows ive done it so many times.. and maybe i will keep slipping.. but each time will become a lil easier.. we know what to do for next time.. and what to avoid.. sometimes too life can be a lil cruel and throw us in directions where we find ourselves lost and confused.. but eventually we all find the way home.. eventually..

obsession.. yes once i laughed at it.. and now have learnt to laugh at it again.. with eyes wide open.. and a new mindset.. i do still have itsy bitsy moments of doubt surfacing every now and then.. i have to be truly honest.. but its slowly dissipating as each day passes.. btw.. if you are all thinking to yourselves and wondering just who the fuck this guy was.. would it surprize you too much for me to say i havent even met him?.. no probably not.. but i think you would have guessed that already when you read this post..




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