Sunday, January 4, 2009

i dont give a fuck.. do you really mean it?

the more one analyses people the more all reason for analysis disappears.. sooner or later one comes to that dreaded universal thing called human nature - Oscar Wilde

how many times have you said this and REALLY MEANT it?

im guessing not often.. even if we are really really pissed off.. given a chance to calm down we often regret what we said.. true?

we often say this in defence to our true feelings.. to mask the pain and hurt.. to counteract rejection... or for a number of other situations we find ourselves in.. we are not being honest with ourselves in the heat of the moment and prolly mouth a few other untruths along with it...
but what message does this send to your partner?.. well.. confusion and mixed messages.. they start to imagine the worst.. and perhaps think you dont care..

In Don Miguel's book "The Four Agreements" the first agreement is "be impecable with your word" in other words.. speak with sincerity.. say only what you mean..

Being impeccable also means being conscious of what you say and the motive behind it when your emo triggers are tested. Have you ever said something that you really didn't mean? As soon as it left your mouth, you wished you could take it back and destroy it?

Here are 3 tips to help you say what you mean and mean what you say:

- respite for thought. step back momentarity and think about your words, however this is done to make sure YOU are wanting to say what you mean, not what you want the other person to hear. Saying what you mean is important for keeping communication lines open and encouraging the flow of communication. We often say what the other person wants to hear for fear of hurting them or making out your something your not. This is not honesty!! Why should we think our words will hurt? This is only a reflection of what you think not the other person. So dont judge someones reactions based upon what yours are.

- keep to the point. Dont drag up events of last week, last year or even yesterday. Keep discussion to what the current topic is. Dont let things fester. deal with issues as they arise and then let them go. This will avoid the situation of exploding with frustration and spewing out last months garbage.

- watch your tone. You should speak to others as you wish them to speak to you, without sarcasm, hostility or arrogance. Speak up by all means but not so loud that you come across as being aggressive.Speak with authority and clarity and be direct. Your words will have meaning when you can be decisive and conclusive.

Remember, communication is not the same as just chatting or writing, effective communication can only occur when there is total understanding of everyone involved.

Men and women do speak different languages. Men tend to be more direct whereas women can be a little more subtle, leaving hints instead. So when she clams up and says "im not angry" it usually means she is. She may feel he should know how shes feeling without having to reveal the fact. This can be detrimental in figuring out what the other person really means. So what to do?
Well the most obvious thing is to sit them down and ASK them directly, keeping in mind the 3 points we just discussed. Ask open ended questions to encourage them to open up, and then finally ask what is the best thing for me to do to avoid this from happening again? This will lead to a better understanding of how to improve the situation.

If your message is anything other than simple and straightforward, break it down and try again. You may be surprised at how much more cooperative your partner is when he or she actually knows what you want.

The video below is The Killers "Smile Like You Mean It" which I think is very appropriate for the post.. do you smile like you mean it?