Sunday, October 12, 2008

what would you do if your bf wanted his ex back?

Q: what would you do if you found out your current bf of 15 months sent a dirty email to his xgf only to send it to her husbands account instead. Her husband forwarded me the email. My bf wrote"I miss being with you.You were so hot you dripped on my cock.I hope you and your family is fine and i hope you and your husband is good." Her husband forwarded me the email and said tell your cheating bf to stop emailing about my wife.He's nothing but a cheater and a liar. What would you do?I end up copying the email and through it in his face.I think he thought he would never get caught.I guess it backfired on him.Would most women dump him eveen though they didn't hook up and have sex or would they give him another chance? I think he had good intentions on cheating on me and she din't want nothing to do with him and decided to let me know what he was up to.Please help.Thanks.

A: omg what a predictament, yes you are right in what you thought his intentions were. He obviously still thinks about her. Did he mistakenely sent it to her hubbys acc? im presuming this is the case.

Cheating can take many forms sweetee, it doesnt need to involve any physical contact. The mere fact is that INTENTION was there. However, when someone cheats, it is usually the CONSEQUENCE of some deeper seated problems. Is everything going ok in your relationship? I dont say this to lay blame, rather to make you aware of what could be the cause. Maybe he is feeling bored, unhappy about some recent event, or just plain devious. and all this is NOT meant to be directed at you, its his actions. We must remember we are all responsible for our thoughts and actions, and not those of others, we cant start laying blame with our partner, like for example, oh you werent there when i needed you or you dont understand me, even if these reasons might seem to others as feasable, they arent. Its what the individual is feeling, not their partner, whatever the excuse.

Now on what to do, has this behaviour been repeated ever? I mean have you ever caught him out before lying? Have you forgiven him and has it happened again? If you have, maybe you should base this on your decision for this current situation. I will tell you a brief story of what i went thru with my ex, who admitted to me BEFORE I actually caught him that he had been indulging in phone sex regulary. The only reason he confessed was that the phone bill had arrived and i would be seeing it too.

He apologised and i forgave him, and he promised he wouldnt be doing it again, as he was only curious to see what it was like, even thou the bill said he amassed 23 sex calls. I believed him and forgave him. A few days later while out on my own and he alone at home, instinct just told me "i bet he is on the phone again", so i decided to creep into the house and find out, and sure enough, when i burst open the bedroom door, there he was with the phone in his ear wanking. OMG, just that scene playing vividly in my head as i busted him and hearing his words he was sorry and that he wont ever do that again, began a whirlpool in my head, and it really made me so angry and confused. I mean it wasnt so much the act of making the call, but his lies and sneakiness. I never forgave him after that, and came to the conclusion that he will always be lying, and i couldnt take it if that was the case.

If you feel you love him and he deserves a 2nd chance, you need to sit down with him and have a long heart to heart. Tell him to start off and be open, just spill it, let him talk, dont cut in, wait till he has said what he wants to say, but be prepared for tears and maybe things to be revealed that you had no clue over. But do not be too quick to judge, separate yourself from it, remember, this is him speaking, its what HE is feeling, even if he drags you into it, its him, not you. Then, after all has been revealed, come up with a plan that works for both of you. Compromise, make follow up talks periodically to see how things are progressing, and follow thru.

If on the other hand, you feel you just cant trust him and you need a break, by all means take it. Take time out for yourself to think, regroup, prioritise and get in touch with yourself. Do not be too hard on yourself. Do not blame yourself and be thinking its you. We all do things in life because we want to do them, not because others tell us to. So, think of it this way. Your bf has issues. It was his decision to do what he did. So maybe a nice break will help clarify the situation and help both of you to see what you really feel and want. Maybe at the end of the break, you both feel its time to move on or maybe you will realise just how important your relationship is and want to stay together. I hope this all makes sense? I wish you all the best. Please dont be afraid to let me know how things are progressing. Thanks. :)

*** The above is a question I was asked recently at myDear Cupid agony aunt column, please visit me @ Dear Cupid

visit my agony aunt column @ Drea Cupid