Monday, October 13, 2008

would you trust your wife going out alone with your friend?

Q: I've been reading some of the advice you give and like it. Mind if I ask you your advice on something? A very good friend of ours took my wife out the other tonight for her birthday (I had to work). The 3 of us have been good friends for about 3 years. They have been practically best friends the entire time. Our friend and my wife work-out together, they've gone to the mall together, have taken classes together, but that night was the first night that they've gone out together alone at night. The weird thing is, I'm not at all insecure or jealous about it. I actually thought it was cool that they went out together (and still think it's cool). A few nights ago my wife and I went to dinner and she thanked me for respecting her friendship with Steve. Then she asked me what I thought the boundaries should be, what they should be allowed to do, etc. She said she looks at him like a best friend. She said she cares for him a lot and loves him. I told her that I assumed that she loved him and that I thought that was okay (I told her that it's possible and okay for friends to love each other). She then said that they have come close to making love several times, but that each time, she has stopped because of me. She also said at the same time, she does want to make love to him and said it wouldn't be just "for the sex", but them expressing love physically. She told me that she doesn't think she can do that without me knowing and approving and we left it at that (for now). I just told her that was a lot of information for me to intake and that I'd have to think about things before I responded to her. I did tell her though that I understand and respect her wishes and told her not to feel guilty or go crazy when she gets those thoughts. Anyway, I'm probably boring the heck out of you, but if you have any advice, that would be great. Thanks!

Thanks so much for your kind words. I appreciate that greatly, its good to hear you enjoy my answers. Thanks also for choosing me to answer your question.

Well what can I say? WOW!! You are a very rare bread indeed! There should be more understanding men like you around that have very trusting liberal views about their partners, hey thats sooo good to hear!

It sounds like your wife is a very considerate, loving person who doesnt want to hurt you and values what you feel. It also sounds like you have the ideal marriage, one of openness, understanding without jealousy or envy. Its very respectful of your wife to reveal her honest feelings towards your mutual friend and that you can see this from her point of view and although it may be a lil difficult to know how to handle, I feel you have done the right thing in asking for time to think and take in.

We women are very unique creatures, and can be quite flirty. This in itself is harmless, we all love to be charmed and flattered. It sounds as if they get along very well. And its great to see that you arent insecure about their friendship.

Alot of couples have "open" type relationships that they have friends of the opposite sex and have fun with. And these couples tend to last together longer than those who are controlling, and jealous. They go behind their partners back and cheat and have affairs, and have arguments coz the communication has broken down. This tends to lead to couples giving up and splitting up. Not too good is it?

If you continue to be Ok with it, why not let her explore? Nothing is secret, it will all be done with your knowledge, and she will feel more at ease.

However, as much as I say this, there is a slight downside too to think about. You say that she "loves" him, and you assume that she feels for him as a friend, and your fine with that. But, what was to happen and how would you feel if they genuinely lets say, fell in love with each other despite the openness you have? Could you cope if she told you that she wants a break to think about things? And what if she left you because of those feelings she has developed? Could you handle that? It is a possible risk that you may want to think about because of their close proximity and friendship. Friendships have known to grow into intimacy with love.

perhaps a good solution is to allow her to hang out with him, but you go along too on some of these outings and see how they interact with each other and maybe talk about things together. If you dont feel a jealous bone in your body after you do, then it would be safe to say she does love and respect you and wouldnt do anything to hurt you.

Like I said, you are a very rare breed indeed! Most men would be freaking out and be accusing their mate of infidelity before it has even occured! Making their partner then sneak around behind their back and disrespecting their loved one even more. Believe me, a woman would love to have a partner that has qualities like yours, easygoing, trusting, understanding and not envious. If all truth be told, many people say that there are times when they have had affairs behind their partners back because of problems and a breakdown of the usual togetherness, so you sweetee sound like you have a rock solid marriage with a very loving and respectful wife.

I wish you all the best with this situation, and if theres any further questions you would like to ask, then feel free to ask away! Let me know how its going for you both! Cheers !! :)

***** taken from my personal agony aunt column @ Dear Cupid