Sunday, February 22, 2009

why men leave

There are many reasons that men leave relationships, or don’t get into them fully in the first place. Some men are haunted by the ghosts of past loves. They cannot shake them from their minds or get them out of their hearts. Although they date new women, the specter of a past love prevents them from giving their hearts, committing to another, or truly opening up. Each new person is compared, consciously or unconsciously, to the previous love. This past relationship can take on an idealized quality so that no one in the present or future will ever measure up.

For some men, this past love is a young, first love. In all later relationships they seek the magic they felt then. For others it is a past wife or fiancé who haunts them. Being deeply hurt by the breakup or death, they search for someone to replace her, rather than try to find someone new.

For others the past relationship that haunts them may go back to their mothers whom they feel gave them unconditional love. Deep within there is a hunger and demand for this unconditional love and acceptance again. Now at this juncture, they secretly feel that no woman can live up to mom. Unconsciously they compare every woman to her.

Sadly enough, for some men the ghosts that haunt them are not positive. Some have had painful experiences and are seeking a woman who is the opposite of theone they knew, or seeking someone to even the score. In these situations, painful memories get in the way of being available to the new person, or to being truly present at all.

There are other men who find it safer to cling to memories of the past than to risk failure with someone here now. These men may choose to live off a memory for years. It is not unusual for these men to unconsciously attract an unsuitable partner so that the relationship will not threaten the fantasy woman in his dreams. Deep down he knows he’ll never be able to stay with this unsuitable partner. She’s no ultimate threat.

Men also turn to these ghosts of the past when their present relationship may not be going well. Instead of dealing with the difficulty or disappointment, they lapse into memory, comparing this partner to the one they had. Always unfavorably. Or when he feels pressured to commit before he is ready, the specter of old loves come back to haunt him. It’s a perfect excuse and also a way out of a tight spot.

On a more positive note, at times a man cannot let go of a past relationship because it is simply incomplete. Something needs to be said or done, to be given or received. There is a gnawing feeling inside that the relationship is not yet fulfilled. Perhaps forgiveness is needed. Perhaps a real good bye. It is always best to become aware of what it is that is causing a ghost to lodge in one’s heart and mind. If something can be done to complete the relationship, do it now. If one is simply caught holding onto the past, recognize that and see why it is so frightening to allow oneself to live again and make a new try.

Whatever the factor that causes a man to cling to memories of the past, a common theme appears through all of them, this is a way to safeguard oneself against hurt and failure in the present. The best way to get past it, is to understand that dreams can never bring the fulfillment and growth that a real, flesh and blood love can. It’s worth the risk to try again. Or else we become a ghost as well.

About the author:

As seen on TV, Dr. Brenda Shoshanna is one of the leading authorities on how to makes relationships stronger, and what makes them fail. Sought out by major publishing houses, her books have been published domestically and internationally in over 14 languages.

For more details on the reasons why men leave click here:
WHY MEN LEAVE

why do mean leave