Saturday, November 12, 2011

do you resent the feeling of needing someone?

We all have our love formulas or expectations when finding and then meeting a partner, you know, that built in formula that has been both programmed and learnt and is hard-coded into our subconscious which is totally subjective and possibly fallacious.

Are you the needy type? do you constantly need reassurance? do you depend on others for your happiness? do you wonder where this comes from? today I will be discussing the topic of emotional dependance and understanding why we act like we do.

When we fall in love, our 'love formulas' are complete little packages that contain all the emotional behaviours and expressions that make up what we interpret as love. We are programmed to see love in a very distinct way. That, I believe is based on the programmed conception of reward and previous learnt emotional experiences. Together, we interpret these as our language of love.

Part of our love formula is the set of paradigms present in order to fall in love. This comes from our expectations of what is attractive to us, like appearance, qualities and values, and with each relationship we are involved in, a new set of 'paradigms' is created, based on the good and bad characteristics and what we want and do not want to repeat. This determines who we are drawn to, the brain starts generating the feel good endorphins and we fall in love.

Another aspect of our love formula is the set of paradigms present in order to feel loved and accepted. We crave love and others to make us happy. This I believe stems from equating love from the basis of the conception and outcome of reward. We were programmed to think reward comes from good behaviour, so as children, we try very hard to please our parents, and we develop expectations to be rewarded for that behavior, which is then construed as love. We are likely to continue this address with a partner in the hope of obtaining a similar reward.

However, everyone interprets love differently! Everyones love formula for the desire to feel loved is totally subjective. Your definative expression of love could be interpreted differently by another. Men and women are programmed in different ways when it comes to what they think is showing love. Women tend to have more emotional needs and men more practical. If these actions are not part of and programmed in our love formula then this can be rejected and lead us to think our partner doesnt care for us. To be emotionally dependant or needy and craving acceptance can be dangerous.

.. and so the plot thickens.. this creates the feeling of resentment, when we place ourselves in a position where what we think we should be rewarded with love, and are disappointed when it isnt. To be 'needy' is a sign that you havent emotionally developed substantially to be able to share a healthy relationship with another.

We all are responsible for our own happiness and feelings of love and contentment. What our partners do or dont do can reinforce the way we interpret any feelings of love and happiness, but ultimately, it is up to each and everyone of us to create our own. Noone can give us that, and noone likes a needy partner.

Love and admire someone for their qualities, the things you share, the company, and not because you are seeking emotional dependance. Every action you do to make yourself self-appreciative is worthy of repeating every chance you get. Does working out make you feel invigorated and alive? Then take up some form of exercise you love and continue. Do you love giving back? Then reap in the joys of joining and supporting your fave organisation. Do you have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge? Then take up new studies or hobbies. The point here is do more of the stuff that makes you shine. Develop your own person and love everything you do! This is, of course, contagious and will rub off into other areas of your relationships. I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. Go for it. You deserve it!!

For further insight into undertanding the concept of the language of love, I highly recommend The Secret Language of Love. It captures beautifully the joy and pain, and the many emotions you will identify with and observed from falling into the romance of love. It comes with delightfully presented and culturally diverse, poems, excerpts and beautiful art.