Sunday, August 31, 2008

obsession

obsession.. ( [noun] the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.).. what crosses our minds when we think of that word?.. a few years ago it was the scariest word to me.. esp when i watched movies like Fatal Attraction and Basic Instinct to name a few.. characters like Alex i thought only exsisted on the big screen.. i even remember my reaction after seeing that movie.. i thought she was crazy.. insane.. a madwoman.. why couldnt she just get over it?.. and see it for what it was?.. a casual fling?.. what makes these women put themselves in that predicament in the first place?.. she knew he was married from the start.. how could she expect it to go further?.. and more so.. how could she expect the guy to be forced into a relationship?.. how can she be with someone that has been forced?.. i could never understand it..

its so funny how a personal experience can change your whole perception of how you view certain things you despised in the past.. and it almost makes you go crazy yourself when you compare .. thinking OMG how can it be?.. how did i get sucked into a pathetic loveless one-way situation?.. i MUST be going friggen nuts.. thing is.. it shocked me more than anything.. i spent hours thinking about how things came about and at which point i slipped.. the more i tried to find reason the more it dominated my thoughts.. so what i thought was doing me good was actually tearing me apart and driving me in deeper.. it felt vice like.. unescapable.. totally and utterly gripping me and never letting go...

i guess for me i was at a very vulnerable period in my life... that falling so hard was a combination of alot of factors.. self-detoxing off a VERY high dose of methadone that took months to stabilise.. and being the hopeless romantic that i am.. was forever craving intimacy.. a bold career move of quitting work and working from home didnt help.. and in some small way possibly for the learning and experience .. some people are very keen on picking up on others weaknesses.. we may even attract them towards us subconsciously ourselves.. even when we are not aware we have any to begin with.. and everything presumably for us starts to fall into place.. a kind word.. sharing a laugh.. deep flirting.. compliments.. being helpful.. sweet.. really starts to stirs us inside.. we feel drawn.. suddenly perked up.. alive.. and the feeling begins to grow.. without us keeping count and becoming aware of the precise moment.. it just happens..

alot of you outsiders to this would probably be thinking.. bullshit.. things dont just happen.. but i can assure you they do.. and not just in love and sex.. no.. it happens everywhere.. finanaces.. family.. job.. drugs and alcohol.. think of what the homeless.. the drug addict.. the divorcees all went thru before succumbing.. im sure they thought they had it all.. everything was rosy.. happy.. they had everything going for them.. then slowly.. bit by bit.. they started slipping.. totally unaware that their lives were about to fall apart around them.. i will give family/job as an example for instance.. a man unhappy in his job.. is pressurized at every turn.. deadlines.. responsibilities.. a mean cranky boss.. so he comes home.. drinks himself into oblivion every night.. or stays out late at the pub with his mates... his wife tries talking to him and he just doesnt wanna know.. his kids demand his attention.. but he is so stressed out he cant cope.. then everyday is a repeat.. eventually he is so worn out.. that his self esteem is shot to pieces.. his wife cant take it anymore.. and takes the kids and leaves.. his taking more and more sick leave from work because of his inability to cope.. and gets fired or has to leave because of medical reasons... his pending divorce.. is dragging him thru the cleaners.. causing him more and more stress.. he tries to numb the pain by drinking more.. and soon after.. the bank seizes his house.. and he is left wondering where it all went wrong?.. perhaps next time you see a homeless man sifting thru the garbage.. instead of standing there looking down at him and judging him.. try picturing him in a white collar and tie..

vulnerability.. thats the keyword here... we all get that way at some point in our lives.. no matter what the situation.. its ugly.. and can make us feel and do things we dont normally do.. but its all part and parcel of it.. one feeds the other.. self respect lies dormant.. when we are vulnerable.. and the slightest feel good is like honey.. we crave to feel again and it can make us fall into the most pathetic instances..

falling in love with the wrong person is one of them.. my experience of obsession was shocking.. depressing.. annihilating.. but at the same time in some twisted weird way.. also exciting.. perhaps because ive never been in an obsessive love situation ever in my life before.. it was all new to me.. every bit of it.. from the meeting to the flirting to the build up.. to the falling.. to riding the crest of the (imaginary) wave then finally to the crash.. obsession would literally eat me away.. i became consumed with thoughts of him.. constantly fantasising.. writing love letters i failed to send.. poems.. looking at guys that reminded me of him and thinking it was him.. following him everywhere.. picking up the phone to call and not being able to even dial the number.. but imagining i was.. and being ashamed about it all that i kept it to myself.. but it rises like a pressure cooker.. you can only keep it inside for a certain length of time.. then it just explodes.. my feelings for him in this way was to last more than a whole year.. off and on... during the off periods things would be great.. my life seemed to be getting back to some normalacy.. i dated other guys.. socialised with friends.. immersed myself with work.. but the spark never truly went out.. it still festered in the back of my mind.. and there was usually something around to remind me of him... which set me off again like a time bomb.. and the more times i allowed myself to succumb again.. the deeper my feelings would go since the last time.. which only made me think.. hey this really is something here.. why try to fight it?.. comon girl.. you know you love him.. MY GOD the endless battles i endured with that dreaded vulnerable voice in my brain.. it was torture on some days.. a mixture of love.. hate.. and eternal squabbling..

you do the craziest things when obsessed.. and i wasnt any different.. not content to have him out of my life after a massive fall out.. i was determined to keep him in it.. with subtle hints here and there of kind words.. a bit of humour.. and so many apologies.. and kept this up for a few months.. geez.. looking back at it now it all seemed so desperate and sad.. i mean.. how low could i go?.. the guy obviously doesnt have ANY feelings for me whatsoever.. gone were the days of our flirtatious ways.. the fun times.. our friendship had even turned nasty.. anyone in the right frame of mind would of said.. hey fuck you jerk.. who the fuck do you think you are?.. fuck off.. maybe the real me.. the me of 2 years ago would of said that.. and the words were there.. but somehow became stuck inside.. and were replaced with sorrys.. dont wanna lose you.. please.. thank you.. wow.. its almost as if i was saying .. hey.. kick me again asshole.. i deserve it.. and enjoy it cant you tell?..

hearing me say these words now is taking me back to a very lonely period of my life.. of being felt like i was a mistake.. a disposable pawn.. that my use was no longer required... he already had fulfilled his purpose.. but i can also identify they were the feelings i was manifesting for myself too.. because of my situation.. attracting back what i was projecting forth.. we can only take responsibilities for our own actions.. but also be aware the actions of others.. however.. we cannot control theirs.. just try to understand them.. and their reasons behind what they do..

its taken me endless tears.. sleepless nights.. countless diary entries.. and self-talk to finally see and pick myself up again.. lifes experiences sure teach you to be cautious.. and forces you to identify the weaknesses.. and act differently.. and time becomes your best friend.. time to heal.. think.. decide.. and to love yourself again.. we all can slip.. God knows ive done it so many times.. and maybe i will keep slipping.. but each time will become a lil easier.. we know what to do for next time.. and what to avoid.. sometimes too life can be a lil cruel and throw us in directions where we find ourselves lost and confused.. but eventually we all find the way home.. eventually..

obsession.. yes once i laughed at it.. and now have learnt to laugh at it again.. with eyes wide open.. and a new mindset.. i do still have itsy bitsy moments of doubt surfacing every now and then.. i have to be truly honest.. but its slowly dissipating as each day passes.. btw.. if you are all thinking to yourselves and wondering just who the fuck this guy was.. would it surprize you too much for me to say i havent even met him?.. no probably not.. but i think you would have guessed that already when you read this post..




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Friday, August 22, 2008

lose weight without you noticing it


Lose Weight without You Knowing It

Losing Weight is a problem because the weight loss programs offered are not only impossible but also boring. So, you have enough of them telling you to stop eating this and that and to lift those dumbbells. All these rules make you frown before you even get started on your regimen.
To do all these things are just impossible. You have kids to take care of, you go to work early and go home late, and it’s just so much pain to stop eating those home-baked muffins.

Should losing weight always be that difficult? As I rack my brains out to coming up with better ways to help people who struggle with keeping their scales on the norm, I figure that I should be sharing with them effortless ways to stay healthy.

The keyword here is “effort” with the LESS. Working out becomes a problem when it becomes a task. It should be fun, easy and treated like taking warm showers in the morning. When you are dragging yourself to the treadmill or turning down party invitations because you’re afraid to over indulge yourself with food again, you’re in danger of quitting your program anytime soon.
So, what are the things then that you can do that will help you lose weight and still enjoy it? Let me share to you a few things I also do on my own to keep watch on my weight. The good news is, it’s not hard work but natural, great ways that you and I could do to get rid of those extra flab without knowing it.

Say, you have a dog, walk the dog instead of letting your housekeeper do it. You not only get fresh air and socialise with other dog owners but you can actually spend quality family time with your doggie. This is also a great way to relieve stress.

Eat what you like but always in moderation and at the right time. Yes, get those ice cream out and you can still eat pasta but make sure you get the right measurements and watch the clock. Dieting is not about starving but eating right.

Move. Groove or whatever you want to call it. Just do something. It doesn’t have to be those boring crunches although you may still opt for it if you want to. If you hear music, you can shake your booty. You can walk, jog or run to the grocery store if you aim to burn more fat. As for me, I get on the skipping rope. Then, there’s Saturday dance night when I just put on music in my room and groove.

Get a physical hobby. On a sophisticated sense, try swimming, tennis, cycling, dancing cha-cha or tango. Turn that chitchat hours to more fun, physical movements. For home bodies, try wrestling with kids before bedtime, house cleaning, gardening every weekend, or if you have a partner, sex is a great exercise!

Drink a glass or two of water before every meal. This helps your stomach feel full and therefore, you wouldn’t want to eat more than you should. I also have a helpful habit of drinking a gulp of water every time I swallow food which by the way works for me because I tend to eat lesser.

A word of caution though – whatever you do, do it gradually. My suggestions do not guarantee you to shed off those extra pounds in a few days but they are doable habits that you can develop for your weight watch program. If you don’t have enough time to go to the gym, or if you are too nauseous to continue a hunger strike, these are good alternatives for you. Don’t go depriving yourself of food too much. While that may be a fast and effective way to keep your mark on the scale lower, it is unhealthy and dangerous.


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30 ways to help you lose your woman


30 Surefire Ways to Help You Lose Your Woman

Here are sure ways to end up single and alone again. Oh, I know you find it most intriguing, so sit back, read on and learn.

I have not shared this with anyone as of yet but now. And all of these I gather from a woman’s point of view and from the discussions of friends about their complaints about their boyfriends, lovers or husbands. Some of these, you might have already done and so it is quite easy to get an understanding of everything else that follows point after point.

Beware though as some of these tips REALLY WORK!! (which by the way, make them very effective tools to breaking up). .. So you might want to try some of these for your little experiment. I, however, do not guarantee that after you do so, she will talk to you again! So, take major precautions and I wish you good luck!

Stop sending her flowers and gifts.
Sleep right after you have sex.
Forget important dates such as your month-sary (whoever invented this?), anniversary and her birthday.
Check out other women when you’re with her.
Stop being affectionate.
Don’t satisfy her in bed.
Embarrass her or yourself to her friends or family.
Take her for granted.
Not saying I love you when you should.
Stop playing romantic.
Bad manners.
Not take care with your appearance.
Be sneaky.
Always running late.
Constantly lie, even after you’ve been caught out before.
Leave after she said a forceful “Go.”
Tell her to change
Becoming nasty and overly sarcastic.
Becoming a cheapskate.
Not giving her enough attention.
Flirt a lot with others.
Have an affair.
Stop making an effort to work on things.
Not spending time to get intimate with her.
Make it obvious that you don’t like her friends.
Become desperate and clingy.
Be over demanding.
Don’t listen to her.
Cut her off or not showing interested in her.
Disrespect her in any way.

Yes, I’m posting this to help you lose your woman.

I hear someone ask me “Are you insane? Why would I want to lose the woman I love?” and if that’s what I hear from you too, I think you get my whole point.

If your wish is of waking up one day without her.. Then go over the points above again. Know it by heart and try hard not to commit any of these must not’s. But of course you are human and it’s not difficult to fall into the claws of your flaws once again. But if you do, be sure to make it up later! It’s not easy, I know. And indeed, men are fairly right when they say that women are “high maintenance” in some way or another.



Read more about how you can improve your relationships



Happily Ever After: Finding and Keeping the Right Person will help you go from keeping your fingers crossed in hopes of being lucky in love to learning how to really find and maintain the love of a lifetime.







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because money matters

Because Money Matters!

Does it really? You may be hypocritical if you say it doesn’t. Whether we like it or not, money matters! Here are a few facts and circumstances that help us to conclude so.

I went to see a friend today who chatted about how his wife left him for another man! The other guy was twice richer than he is.

You suddenly stopped talking to your best friend because of a big loan he has not paid back. And when people ask you about it, you just say “We had some issues.” They approach your friend and he says “He was selfish.”

Your wife walks into a grocery store and walks out with a bagful of items with discount tags on it.

A little girl strides down the corridor, then stopped, bent over and when asked why she did that, she exclaimed “Oh, look. I got my lucky coin!”

You look at the mirror and see the red mark on your face after you had your face slapped by your wife last night. You remember what the fight was about: your finances.

On the TOP news were about two guys who killed a security guard after robbing a bank at 10 yesterday morning.

A millionaire is paranoid that one of his family members might put poison on his food. He is on a very strict insurance policy.

Many people run into public office. Are they all qualified? No. So, why run? I think you know why.

Did your youngest son just leave your hometown for a bigger city where he could get a greater chance of getting rich?

Are you thinking about changing jobs and finding one that offers you greater salary any time soon?

Say, your boss offers you a higher position now but which you don’t really like. Initially, I hear you say, “No.” But what if it offers you twice the compensation and benefits that you earn now? Now I hear you say “Hmmm…”

Yesterday, I went to a boutique, found two very beautiful dresses but only purchased the one on sale.

My sister found a torn hundred dollar bill. She bought a tape to mask it back together.

Why do some merchants run a fake test on big bills when you purchase?

Don’t you often count your change before you leave the store?

Why do some people work two to three jobs?

Why is stealing a dollar bill more of an offense than stealing an apple?

I lost two hundred bucks the other day and I feel like I’m going to be depressed the whole week.

If I ask you for money, would you not hesitate? But you would be so willing to offer or treat me a coffee and a burger, wouldn’t you?

With all of these, the fact of life remains that money does occupy a big concern in our lives. We all work hard to earn it, live grandiosely if we have it and some commit minor to major crimes to get it.



Click Here To Read More About How You Can Improve Your Finances and Saving Money In The Home



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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

epifanatical is born

Welcome peepz to a fresh new post on a fresh kool Tuesday Sydney morning.. well its reflection time yet again for me.. except this time round i will be delving a lil deeper inside.. the past weeks events have compelled me to rethink about certain aspects of my life and take heed of advise given a lil more seriously.. too much of wanting the cake and eating it too has eventually caught up with me.. not thinking but just doing.. and has forced me to re-evaluate my life..

thats the problem when you work almost full time online.. you try so hard to make your presence felt .. spending long hours doing this and that.. optimising.. reading.. joining.. writing content.. joining discussions.. commenting.. checking stats.. improving.. following.. learning.. its all too easy to get carried away.. and when you see the results start to increase usually your there even more making sure they stay that way.. but in the end is it really worth it?..

I dont say this because ive lost my momentum.. no far from it.. i say this as a wake up call.. to work smarter not harder.. something i knew about but didnt quite know how to grasp.. my fierce determination is what has kept me busy for over 2 years now.. the past year and a bit has been a very bumpy road.. but it has taught me things... meeting some wonderful inspiring people along the way and learning heaps.. im not yet a self made millionaire.. but i enjoy what ive been doing up till now.. ive written erotica .. personal blurbs.. poetry.. self help blogs.. recorded audios.. made videos.. promoted stuff for others.. been mentored by a few fantastic teachers who have become good buddies.. and continue to learn from them.. made some close friendships at a few social networking sites that ive kept in touch with.. learnt the importance of growing your list.. and heaps of other things too numerous to mention here.. but again i go back to my question.. in the end is it really worth it?..

at the end of the day what are we really chasing?.. is it the freedom to work from home?... the dollars?.. to enjoy what you do?.. get others to see you as an expert in your field?.. gain the trust and respect of others?.. or perhaps a combo of all ??.. i think its safe to say a combo of all .. lets examine each one a lil closer.. firstly freedom to work from home.. yeah right.. before I was doing work online I was receptioning in a body massage center.. i worked around 7 hours per day 4 days per week.. thats a total of 28 hours per week.. i was making more money working away from home than in it.. plus i had time for other fun activities.. i was more social.. meeting different people everyday.. talking to them one on one.. and enjoying myself.. i had stability in my life.. i knew i had to be at work at a certain time each day and finish at a certain time.. i made an effort to dress the part and look nice.. and people noticed me.. when i compare that to working online.. its kinda lonely in comparison.. routine is shot to pieces.. spending long hours working.. getting up whenever the fuck i want.. the dag factor ruling supreme.. chatting to a screen.. not able to see and feel what the other person is feeling.. even if you do end up camming its still talking to a screen isnt it?.. making everything seem so automated and robotic.. not warm and soft.. and realising some people are really not what they make out to be..

well the dollars can be lucrative.. and make it all worth while.. esp if youve got your head screwed on right and are a quick learner.. and have great contacts with great lists.. otherwise that too can be a enormous uphill struggle... esp in the first few months you get started ... i seriously didnt start to see sales comin in till i was way into being online for over a year.. despite endless promotions and putting in the time.. i guess its safe to say.. that people arent gonna trust ya with their hard earned dosh if they dont know who the fuck you are.. so making the money does come eventually.. but you gotta give it time.. time to establish yourself as a serious player.. get some good reviews behind you and get involved more.. the more your name is spread across the net the more you'll get noticed.. you just have to weigh up the pros and cons and ask yourself is it worth all the hassle?.. there are lots of other jobs that can be undertaken from home.. like photography.. babysitting.. freelance anything.. the list is endless...

enjoying what you do.. well of course.. otherwise you wouldnt be doing it now would you?... perhaps you are one of the new age of article marketers that loves to blab on about your favourite topic and make some money from it.. congrats to you.. I take my hat off to you and salute you.. I too am one of those... and have been for the past 2 years.. but hey lets all be honest.. even the best of us article writers can hit a slump.. and dry up.. we try to focus but the more we tend to do that the more we get deeper into not being productive.. and we all know of the distractions that can and do occur when working online.. i know it and been guilty of it plenty of times.. you know the scenario right?.. you check emails and spend hours following thru.. you happen to stop by myspace or you tube and a few hours are eaten up there socialising.. same with being visible @ yahoo or msn or whatever IM you use.. people seem to forever what to chat.. and being valuable contacts you dont wanna appear rude so you stop and ramble on about shit.. and a few more hours are gobbled up.. by the time it somes to getting back to work.. youve lost the initial momentum.. and it becomes a vicious cycle if you cant identify what your doing wrong.. and how to fix it.. believe me alot of newbees online like me are soooo guilty of this.. yes its so easy for distractions to occur when working online.. sometimes its hard to pinpoint exactly what they are.. coz theyre all around..

the last 2 of respect and getting others to see you as a expert.. again comes with time.. but its damn hard to trust someone you havent even met.. anyone can be anyone online.... and we've all heard of the dreaded horror stories about getting shafted up the rear end by even people whom we thought have been ok.. it scares alot of people away if theyve experienced a bad encounter.. testimonials can be paid for or faked.. you just never know.. the best advertisement and ive always said it is word of mouth.. it speaks volumes over written testis.. by miles.. a happy customer is wanting to go spread the word ... he doesnt need to be told.. and he usually comes back.. even places like ebay were havens for ripping people off.. ive been unfortuate enough to experience one.. not to mention the countless of scams we get as spam in our inboxes.. just how many novices are sucked in to genuinely sounding distressed individuals who play them well??.. sad fact of internet life but a very real one.. not everyone is cluee or able to pic a scam from the real thing.. and this is what those lowlifes prey on.. not very pretty.. but hopefully a quick lesson for those that fall victim to it..

so for me.. my epifanny has come.. my serious wake up call.. thats why im emerging as epifanatical.. ive evolved.. im being me finally.. a lil bit of everything.. but with a new mindset.. open.. responsive.. honest.. raw.. ive purchased a compact vid recorder recently as my lil life giving gift and i plan to use this to shed a vision to what i see around me.. these entries here will be a mixture of me.. blurbs.. poetry from the heart.. feel good moments.. even a lil of the norty stuff too.. i cant seem to get that outta my system.. so im embracing it closely.. just dont be shocked by it all ok.. its just my brain explosion.. lol.. the yin and yang of it all.. i gotta have an outlet for it somewhere so it might as well be here.. it prolly wont be as bad as eroticsity.. i dont wanna scare you the fuck away that fast.. but it'll be close.. only with a bit more love strewn in.. my audios will be made along these lines as well.. no more screaming orgasms folks sorry.. well maybe for me personally.. lol.... but not avail publically.. it will be much more tasteful now ..

so angelxx and miz helena and eroticsity have become = epifanatical.. i hope you enjoy getting to know her as much as I will.. strap in for the ride.. im a crazy nut.. whatever i end up doing online from now.. will be done in my own sweet time.. my private life takes first priority now.. ive negected alot of my interests away from the screen.. which im going back to.. i wanna thank everyone thats stuck by me.. some even from the beginning.. and seen me become some crazy characters.. and done some even crazier shit.. youve all been wonderful.. i hope you can stick around for the next journey.. much love to you all..

epifanatical.. because im finding out who i am.. and loving doing it..


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a warning to all who work online

Hi everyone.. I have a serious message for all those who work online or any other job where your time is spent sitting too long often for hours cramped in one spot..

Last Wednesday.. (23/07/08) .. i awoke with sharp pains on breathing in the center of my chest.. and any sudden movement was excruciating.. i was running a high fever.. and as the day wore on.. the pains made it unbearable to even move an inch.. i confined myself to bed.. thinking i had overdone it again.. working long hours.. with no break.. and feeling stressed by it all.. my son kept hassling me to go see the doc but i dismissed it and promised i would go the next day if it didnt improve.. i didnt know it at the time but to put it off was the worst decision i made....

The next day Thursday.. the pain didnt improve and i took myself off reluctantly to see my local GP.. im the kind of person that hates going to docs.. believing that anything that isnt serious will fix itself.. i told him what i was experiencing.. and he ordered a bunch of tests.. cardiographs.. spirographs and detailed blood tests (testing esp for Troponin).. both the heart and breathing tests came back immediately and all showed everything was clear... he prescribed me Panadeine for the pain.. and I was told to return on Sunday for the results of the blood tests..

Friday the pain started to spread.. to both sides of the rib area.. left shoulder.. and center and right side of my chest.. the pain was worst when taking a deep breath in.. and i couldnt lay down .. everytime i tried it felt like i had a tonne weight pressing down on me.. so since Wednesday evening I tried to sleep propped up against the wall on my pillow.. the Panadeine did relieve the pain somewhat.. but it was still there.. then suddenly i began experiencing spasm like sensations under the left breast.. which made it terribly painful to move.. the only position i felt i could handle was sitting upright..

Saturday arrived and the pain was easing.. great i thought.. about fucken time.. damn that was something i never wanted to go thru ever again.. i still felt small sharp pangs here and there.. but nothing like the 1st and 2nd days.. i still continued to work thou during the times when it was bad.. it was the only thing i could do really.. unable to lay down to sleep.. and moving being painful.. the only thing keeping me focused and not thinking about it was work..

Sunday I went back to the doc .. and the blood test results showed everything to be normal.. (inc the test for Troponin - The Troponin test is a blood test that detects small degrees of damage to heart muscle cells (myocytes)the pains had started again on the Sunday.. and i mentioned this to him.. and was given Brufen.. a stronger painkiller.. and anti-inflamitory.. at this point i asked him could i maybe have a lung infection?. he said it wasnt possible as i would have been coughing if that was the case.. but just to be sure.. he referred me for a chest xray the next day..

Now this is where it starts to get pretty fucked up .. i attended the xray clinic on the Monday morning and took the chest xrays.. and was told to come back in a couple of hours to pick em up.. i had decided to come home in between waiting rather than waiting there.. and whilst at home recieved a phone call from the xray clinic asking me to come in again this time for a CT scan.. a more detailed xray.. i was immediately concerned as to why .. and imagined the worst.. still reluctantly i went in and did the CT scan.. but all the while having the worst thoughts running wild filling my head.. I didnt dare to ask why I was called back.. I just didnt want to know..

The CT scan (my first) was the most uncomfortable thing ive ever done and wouldnt want to repeat.. its where they inject you with a saline like solution thru a drip in your arm and stick you thru a huge doughnut shaped machine that takes more intense scans.. all up it took around 30 mins to finish.. the minute the saline solution was introduced .. my left arm started shaking violently and uncontrollably.. and it felt like i had been put into a hot oven .. from head to toe i felt an almost unbearable hot flush turning to prickles... I was informed all these sensations and reactions were normal ..

I was told to come back in 4 hours to pick up both scans and I went home again in between waiting for these scans to be ready too.. it was an anxious wait... not knowing what it will find.. those 4 hours were the longest of my life.. i was dreading to go get em when the time was up.. im the type of person that doesnt like to no.. i prefer whatever it is not to cross my mind..

After i got home from picking the 2 sets of scans up.. the minute I walked thru the door.. the medical center called.. it wasnt my regular doc but someone from pathology from the same place.. he just recieved a fax copy of the CT scans report and said I need to get myself off to hospital right away.. WTF??.. hey slow down buddy.. I just got thru the door after a day of running around and your tellin me I need to get myself off to hospital?. what the fuck for?.. i didnt think i was gonna enjoy hearing the reason..

He told me that the scans picked up an pulmonary embolism.. (a blood clot in the main artery on the left side of the lung) it measured 5 mm in size and it had fatal consequences if left unchecked.. i could not believe what i was hearing.. i didnt understand why this was happening to me.. all tests were normal.. how the fuck did i end up with a blood clot in my lung?.. I had a hundred and one questions for the doc.. but couldnt think straight.. I tried opening my mouth to speak but nothing came out.. he told me again to get myself off to hosp right now.. and not to drive.. but to get sumone else to or take a cab.. when i asked why.. he told me i had a chance of collapsing.. and told me to be prepared for a few days stay.. omg.. the severity of the situation made me so upset....and confused.. i didnt no what to do.. surely there must be some mistake?.. it seemed every action I did was slow.. like in slow motion.. I started to pack a overnight bag.. called a cab.. and took off at around 7pm Monday night.. taking the scan results with me just in case they were needed..

Reaching the emergency ward of the hospital.. I was tagged.. examined.. allocated a bed.. and they then began to redo all the tests and more.. I was hooked up to a monitor that was keepin an eye on blood pressure.. oxygen levels.. heart rate.. and had a drip in my right arm.. every 10 mins or so a nurse would appear and drain me of 5 vials of blood each time.. both left and right arms bearing the scars of each attempt.. I felt like what the hell am I doin here?.. and wanted sooo badly to just rip everything out and make a run for it.. I shouldnt be here I was sayin.. im healthy.. young.. and never had any major illness in all my life.. the only time ive been in hosp was to give birth and when my knee was fractured.. I absolutely HATED hospitals.. I definately felt out of place

At 5am the next morning I was moved to a private room up in the pulmonary wards.. and began my 3 day stay.. they asked me a bunch of questions.. like whether I was a smoker.. took exercise.. travelled alot.. etc.. trying to determine the cause.. they confirmed my pulmonary embolism .. and commenced me on blood thinners (Clexane and Warfarin) to help prevent any further blood clots.. in hospital I was taught to self inject the Clexane into my stomach area twice a day.. and take Warfarin to assist.. once my Warfarin levels had reached 2.0 - 2.5 .. I could stop the injections.. that usually took around a week.. (presently they sit at 1.1)

I was ordered to do another scan (nuclear chest scan) on the 2nd day which measured oxygen levels and how well the blood was traveling around the lungs.. this test also required a injected solution and inhaled gas but was nothing like the CT scan.. I was still smoking and every couple of hours or so.. got up and wondered off outside to take a few puffs.. i know thats bad.. but I was feeling so shell shocked and nervous about everything.. it helped take the edge off ..

Yesterday (30/07/08) I was released.. and was given instructions on what I must do to maintain treatment at home.. I was to continue injecting myself with the Clexane until my doc told me to stop.. (when the Warfarin level reached what was required) and make changes immediately to how i worked.. take regular breaks.. wiggle the toes.. stand up move around.. shake the legs.. my doc said that working long hours in front of the pc.. cramped up wasnt doing me any favours.. I had to stop .. that was the reason they strongly suspect why I developed the blood clot in the first place.. even thou I was a regular exerciser.. and they also said the Clexane/Warfarin is an ongoing 6 mth treatment which needs twice weekly blood tests to monitor INR levels (INR= International Normalised Ratio is a blood test performed for patients taking Warfarin... the results of the INR are then used to adjust the Warfarin dosage at particular intervals).. and he strongly advised against any travel for at least that period of time.. so I had to reluctantly cancel my overseas trip for now.. I cant go.. and im so sore over that.. but my focus now is getting well again and raising awarness for others in the same position as me that work long hours in front of a pc.. not to go thru what I did.. overseas will still be there in 6 mths time..

It certainly has scared the living daylights outta me.. and is quite an eye opener.. never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would get this way.. I was bullet proof.. stubborn.. determined... headstrong.. I thought.. but even the strong willed get struck down too...

AWP promoting has been fun but now im easing off.. for 2 months straight thats all I was focused on.. for long periods of time.. and it just wasnt healthy.. now I take short breaks.. wiggle my toes.. listen to my docs.. and have cut down on my smoking.. I was told to very sternly by my discharge doc that if I didnt I would surely end up back in hosp and thats one place I dont wanna go back to.. everyones been so good and supportive.. my friends and family.. wishing me a speedy recovery.. sending their love.. and it feels so nice to have people there that care..

I want this to be a warning to others that you need to listen to your body and stop when youve had enough.. slow down.. destress yourselves.. and take care a lil more.. we only have 1 life.. and its so precious to just chuck away.. it could have been much worst.. and I thank God for seeing me thru.. also dont ignore early warning signs like chest pains.. or pains on deep breathing... dont be stubborn like I was.. go check it out.. and cut down on smoking.. and eat well and get enough exercise.. I just shudder to imagine what could have happened if I had been totally stubborn and not listened and gone and seen the doc.. maybe a brutally honest statement would be I wouldnt be here to be telling you all this could be the truth.. ?? perhaps... ?? .. dont let it happen to you...

Read More About Pulmonary Embolism

Watch A 3D Video About Pulmonary Embolism

Read More About Clexane

Read More About Coumadin (Warfarin)

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improving yourself for a more fulfilling you

We all want to see ourselves in a good way. Whatever image we comprise, as long as we feel good and healthy, is what is most important. Staying healthy brings out the best in us because it leaves us no worries and problems. Imagine how hard it is to go to the doctor every time we feel out of the weather, not to mention taking pills like they’re already your food supplement. You wouldn’t want that to happen to you right? We want to have that inner feeling of complete vigor that brings out a distinctive glow for everyone to see. We want to hear compliments from others like “you are blooming everyday!” or “you look refreshing and oozing with vibrancy” or maybe “what’s your secret in staying fresh and young?”. Somehow these simple comments make us feel confident and boost our self-esteem. And when we have good self-esteem and a positive outlook in life, good things will surely follow. It definitely shows, not only in your face, but definitely in the way you carry yourself. If we are happy, everyone around us is going to be happy. It is viral. Good work will follow, strong relationships will increase and a bright future is always ahead of us. Improvement is definitely present and on the way.

As we grow older, we need to give room for progress to make ourselves better. We have to consider our image, our knowledge, emotional quality and of course our health status when we want to see a better self when looking at ourselves in the mirror. We meet a lot of people in our life. It can be in school, in our jobs, in an organization we are in, from a friend and even on the internet. And our appearance is very important to give a good first impression to the person we are meeting. People, especially in the business world consider image as a very important aspect in making money. You can’t attend a meeting in just jeans, a tank top and a pair of flip-flops. You can’t show up to your boss with a hang over from last night’s party or attend to your tasks with an illness. So you need to take care of yourself. Improve your image, your schedule and time management and your health status. Learn to feed your mind with good and useful information so that you will not be left out or out of date to what’s happening around you. Practice sleeping right, eating nutritious food and having a balanced diet and exercise. This way, you can stay fit and healthy. Believe it or not, this actually helps you handle work a lot easier, move faster and finish work on time.

Changing old habits that you’re already used to is not an easy thing to do. In fact it is very hard. We can’t change ourselves and say we have improved overnight. It is a long and sometimes painful process. You have to make some sacrifices, may it be a small one or a major thing like not going out at night for a party so that you could finish your paper work for the next day, for example. Or sleeping early when you’re used at sleeping so late at night so that you could exercise by day and be on time on whatever you're doing in the morning. This can be so hard at first - you need to be driven when you decide you want to make yourself better. Learn to practice your new regimen and eventually you will get used to it and forget how tough it was for you when you began.

We all want to say and feel that we have achieved something because it gives us fulfillment in our lives. And one of the best things in life is having the feeling of accomplishment. That we did something good to contribute to our perfect selves. When we accomplish improving ourselves, it empowers us and let's us believe that we can do whatever we set our minds to.